Film Review: Noah’s Shark

Noah's SharkMark Polonia (Jurassic Shark, Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse) is at it again in the 2021 straight-to-streaming film Noah’s Shark. The film was written by John Oak Dalton (Amityville Island, Jurassic Prey) and stars Jeff Kirkendall (Camp Murder, Jurassic Prey) as Father Benna, Ryan Dalton (Camp Murder) as Buster, Jamie Morgan as Gina, Tim Hatch as Zee and even Mark Polonia as Alan.

After a long (too long for an hour-long movie) credit sequence we are introduced to Father Benna, a Catholic priest specializing not only in exorcisms but performing them on camera for his local reality show. His latest exorcism ends up turning on him as the young woman accuses the priest of inappropriate things, but as she is leaving, and off camera, we see that she is, actually possessed – the devil lied.

We then learn about the 4th son of Noah, whose name was stricken from the Bible after allowing Satan, in the form of a shark, onto the Ark. Benna’s producer, Buster, concocts a scheme to find the Ark after obtaining what he claims is a plank of wood from the biblical ship. Benna, feeling a presence within the wood, performs an exorcism on the wood making it burst into flames. This proves that the story told in the Book of the Witch of Endor is true.

They set out to find the Ark and through repeated flashbacks (over and over) and boring voiceovers, we hear more about how the plank of wood and journal came to be in Buster’s possession. We are also introduced to “Z” – a group of mysterious figures that guard the secret location of the Ark and try to either kill or throw the adventurers off the trail. Benna and Buster, along with a cinematographer and security guard, travel to Iran and Turkey, eventually finding a badly CGI-created Ark, which Benna then finds himself inside and outside of through visions and otherworldly intervention.

Satan, in the form of a shark, emerges from the nearby water, devouring Buster and Gina as she fires a really badly animated machine gun. Father Benna and his videographer manage to escape, but Father Benna makes the videographer drop his camera and leave it on the trail. This will stop others from searching for the Ark and prevent others from giving their souls to Satan. As they walk off, a mysterious hand reaches down and picks up the camera as the credits roll.

With Mark Polonia at the helm, you know this isn’t going to be a movie of much substance, but Noah’s Shark is admittedly a bit more complex than his usual shark films. However, it contains the same pitfalls, including the same badly formed foam shark fin that is present in all of Polonia’s shark films. The fin is never to scale of the shark, bobs up and down, and the same bad shark CGI from Aquapocalypse is seen again in this film.

Kirkendall and Dalton play well off each other, but both of their performances fail to impress, with Kirkendall’s long monologues droning on and on throughout the film. At only an hour long, the film uses the same flashback footage over and over, and it does not get better over time. The bad CGI for the shark and Ark, the stock footage of fire used on the plank of wood, and the cheesy rain and snow effects add to the overall awfulness of the film. If you go into it thinking “it’s only an hour long” – do not be deceived – it feels much longer.

At one point the film’s videographer is heard yelling “I don’t want to be in a found footage film!” – what a coincidence, I wish this footage was never found.

If you really want to take a gander after a night of drinking, you can find it streaming for free on TubiTV and on Amazon Prime. But my advice is to skip it and look for something a little higher in production value.

  • Noah's Shark

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